In this section, we will discuss telling the truth about (1) the kinds of things we don’t want to see and therefore ignore; and (2) the kinds of things we often don’t tell the truth about.

1.            Things we Ignore

                In this behavior, I am advising you to “take your head out of the sand.”  Look around right now and notice where you are denying reality.  We all do it from time to time.  The first step is to see where you are doing it.  This is a change in consciousness (i.e., what you choose to observe) and so it can be challenging at first.  My tip is to simply be open to finding where you may be denying the truth.  Put up a post-it note that poses this question.  Then when you do find an example, it will be the perfect opportunity to examine why you have denied this particular truth.  In this way, you will become more able to see it in the future.

                For example, imagine that your son tells you things that you believe are false.  Imagine you see signs in the environment that indicate he is smoking and he says he is not.  If you are ignoring what you see and telling yourself stories to keep you from having to ask yourself, “is he really smoking?” and “do I trust him right now?” it is less likely that you will discover the truth.  When you begin to notice what you have been ignoring and ask yourself why you ignore certain information, you may discover any number of things.  Maybe you believe if he lies about one thing, he’ll lie about everything.  Maybe you have a fear of people smoking and dying as a result.  Whatever the reason, simply becoming aware of why you ignore certain things will allow you to see more clearly.

                Imagine your reason is that you are very frightened people will lie to you.  Imagine that in your mind if someone lies to you, then you must protect yourself by cutting off relations with them completely.  So you cannot notice when people in your family are lying.  You will want to examine this belief and see if there are other ways to look at things.  From this series of blogs, you see that trust is not so black and white.  Once you recognize this belief is not serving you and you decide to open up your mind to see where people are perhaps not telling the truth, you see things you did not see before.

                Learn to face situations head-on.  Once you learn to be aware what you have been ignoring, you can ask the tough questions, of others, and of yourself.  There is an old saying that “the only way out is through.”  The more we ignore the difficult issues and try to go around them, the more they recur.  Again, imagine you found cigarettes in your son’s pocket and ignored them or told yourself a story so you would not believe he was hiding the truth from you.  Now with your newfound awareness, you can face it head-on.  Ask him, “Do you smoke?”  Find a way to make it safe for him to tell you the truth.

2.            Things we are Afraid to Say

                Be honest with people about what you see.  If you have a client or an associate who is habitually late, tell them that you are noticing they were late on this day and that day.  If their lateness is having an effect on your ability to trust them, tell them that too.  “It makes it difficult for me to trust that you will show up when you say you will given how often you have been late.”  If you have a secretary (or a boss) who does not deliver when he says he will, tell him that.  “In this case and that case, I notice that you gave me your work product on Thursday and I believed that you had agreed to get it to me by Monday.”  If this behavior makes it harder to trust him, say so.  A tip in this area – don’t say anything if you are angry about it.  Wait until the emotion has gone out of the situation for you.  Further, this may not be a black and white discussion of he did or did not deliver on time, though in your mind you believe it will.  It likely will be an opening to a discussion – either about how he would like to improve, or possibly that he did not see the agreement in the way you did.  Either way, this is what you want – a discussion about trust and what makes us trust and not trust and what can be done differently in the future in order to avoid this situation.

                It builds trust, with others and with ourselves, to be aware and say what is so.  Talk about trust and those things that break and build it.  Do you have a difficult conversation pending with someone?  Have it today.  Face things head-on.

With Yourself:

                The same applies — become very curious about where and what you are ignoring and then investigate why.  Tell yourself the unvarnished truth.

Why it Builds Trust

            “Get better” means to constantly improve; to always be in a state of learning and openness to new ideas.  Why does this build trust?  When people experience you as always reaching for what is next and always searching for answers and new ways of doing things, they will be more confident in your ability to succeed. 

            This is particularly true in business relationships.  Customers want to know that when you don’t know what to do, you will go find out; that you are open to finding new solutions that you do not already know of. 

            In personal relationships, this also builds confidence.  When your spouse and your children observe that you are always asking questions of yourself and seeking answers, what they know is you are open.  You are not looking at situations as fixed and only capable of one possible answer (yours).  When you are open to learning, you listen more to others, whether it is your spouse or your children.  And people feel more trusted and more trusting when they hear you asking their opinion; and when they experience you listening to their ideas.  This is fostered by your continuous search for more learning from whatever source possible.

            If you believe you can simply stay where you are and rest on what you have learned in the past, this will not build trust and confidence in others.  One of my mentors, Lou Dozier, says that we human beings have two gears — forward and backward. There is no neutral.  If you are not moving forward, then you are moving backward.

            In the business world this is true in part because the speed of the rest of the world is so great that you think you are still in one place but compared to the rest of the business world, it is as if you are moving backward. 

            In personal life this is true as well.  We have deeply engrained habits and ways of being.  They can absolutely change and yet, if we stop working on them often the older habits begin to seep back in and we drift back in the direction from which we came.

            Take a moment right now – stop, and bring to mind one person you know who you consider a life-long learner.  Consider the level of trust that you have in them.  Really stop and reflect on this for a moment.  What is the level of trust you have in that person?  Why is it at the level it is?  Often life-long learners are willing to say when they are wrong, because they are always looking for what is next.  Admitting mistakes builds trust as well.

What it Doesn’t Mean

            Do not mistake academic learning for this trust-building behavior.  This behavior is about getting better – improving ourselves.  There are some who are constantly in the academic mode of learning, but never take action on what they are learning.  This type of learning, akin to staying in college for major after major, but never going out and producing results based on your education, does not build trust and in fact will diminish it.  Learning, like self-awareness, without action, is worth very little in the area of trust.  And it tells people that you are not serious about making change and improvement.

What it Does Mean

            The Japanese call this concept it kaizen.  Tony Robbins calls it CANI – Constant and Never-Ending Improvement.  The kaizen method is one of continuous incremental improvements and was originally a Japanese management concept for gradual, continuous change/improvement.  It is a way of life philosophy assuming that every aspect of our lives deserves to be constantly improved.

            Here’s a simple test – are you making mistakes?  If not, you may be playing too safe to be truly improving.  As Ms. Frizzle says, “Take chances, make mistakes and, GET MESSY!”  (From Scholastic’s, Magic School Bus.)

Action Steps

            Take a moment now and ask these questions:

• What are the areas that are most important for me to improve?  (Business? Family life?  Other relationships?  Personally?)
• Where am I sitting still (i.e., moving backward)?
• What can I do to improve in this area? 

            Take action every day to improve yourself.

How To

            There are various ways to “get better.”  I will here recommend three and you will surely invent your own.

            1.         Get Educated

            Whether it is a formal class, a book you read alone, or a book discussion, the daily newspaper or an expert’s blog, if it is relevant to your area, you will search it out and learn from it.  Isolate your areas for improvement and then find the resource that will assist you in improving.  Hiring a coach is also a powerful way to focus your energies on improvement in whatever area is important to you.

            2.         Seek Feedback

            Many people find this frightening and it can be, but there are few ways that are more useful for determining how you are appearing to others, than seeking feedback.  Feedback is the mirror that allows you to see if you have spinach in your teeth.  Human beings do not see ourselves.  We cannot.  Many companies send out surveys.  I ask for feedback by way of specific questions on my strengths and challenges, what worked and did not, of my coaching clients and my audiences when I speak.  And the important second step of course — use the feedback!  I change my talk.  I change my style if it does not work for my client or my audience.

            The most courageous feedback of all, I believe, is to literally ask your friends and associates this question:  what are three things about me that you like the most and three things about me that you like the least.  Asking this question allows us to let go of the image protection and simply get the truth.  It will build trust that you are asking for the feedback and even more so when you use it!

            3.         Learn from your Mistakes

            An NLP (neuro-linguistics programming) presupposition is, “There is no failure, only feedback.”  All information can be utilized.  My favorite example of this is Thomas Edison, who is reputed to have attempted to create the light bulb in the neighborhood of 100 times and he “failed” each time until the very last attempt, when he brought electric light to our world.  Reportedly, when asked what it was like to fail that many times, he said, “I did not fail.  I learned 100 ways not to make a light bulb.”  This is to me the perfect example of the “get better” principle.  He took his learning from every attempt and used it to improve.  He saw his “failings” as feedback and an opportunity to learn, adjust and go again.  He was willing to learn, rather than just get upset with himself or the circumstances.  As a result he improved and improved until he accomplished what he intended.  This is a mode that builds trust with others and particularly with oneself.  When you know about yourself that you will learn from your mistakes and continue to improve, you can trust yourself not to give up.  And this type of self-trust goes a long way to creating trust with others, and allowing us to improve ourselves and create our desired results.

With Yourself:

            As stated, continuous improvement builds self-trust and confidence.  Seeing what does not work as feedback to learn from also builds self-trust.

            What new practice will you put in place this week to begin to constantly “get better?”

                One of the most valuable things my first coach and mentor taught me is that in assessing where we are, we must look honestly at our results.  We have a tendency to focus on everything but our results.  We look at what we meant to do (called by some people “intention”); or the actions we took to get there (called by many “trying”); or we deliver substandard results.  Below are some tips for building trust through delivering results.

1.  Talk Less/Produce More

                What matters to people is not how great you make your product sound.   At the end of the day, what matters is what you actually produce.  There is no need to sell people on how great you are if can show them.  If you need to explain, you probably did not deliver.

                Think about the people you know who have made agreements with you and they come through, repeatedly with no excuses made.   For example, if I am on time every time I meet you, this builds trust with you.  So much so that, if I am late you will believe something is wrong and probably check in with me, knowing it is an anomaly.  But if I am frequently late, often with explanation about how hard I “tried” and I continue promising that I will surely be on time next time, you will not trust me to be on time; nor will you trust what I say.  And when I am late, you will go about your business without thinking there is anything wrong because you have assessed me based on my performance, not my promise.  This is how we learn and how we assess – based on results and not on promises.  Often when people have a history of not delivering, they talk more and more — they explain why they didn’t deliver, they rationalize and justify; and they zealously promise again, telling us why we should believe them.  Sometimes we do believe them, and trust is broken even more.  In this series, I have pointed to the red flags that tell us we are breaking trust.  Here is one now – if you find you are needing to use a lot of words to convince a person why they should believe you will deliver on a promise, you likely have a low level of trust with that person.

2.  The Trust Account

                Stephen M.R. Covey (The Speed of Trust) talks about a “trust account,” which is similar to a bank account.  The more trustworthy you are & the more of these trust building behaviors you exhibit, the higher your trust account will be and the more you will be trusted.  When your trust account is high there are other benefits as well.  This is particularly true with your co-workers, employees and children.  Imagine an employee who delivers on an ongoing promise week after week.  Compare her with an employee you must remind to carry out the promise each week.  Then imagine each comes to you asking for an accommodation, or a special exception.  Which are you likely to work with?  Why is that?  We are more likely to allow the special exception to a person who delivers because we believe she will deliver on this as well.  For the employee with the sketchy track record, we may fear it will do more harm than good to extend special exceptions because we don’t know if he will deliver or not. 

3.  Clear Expectations

                Another thing to be aware of are situations where we are delivering results, but we do not seem to be building trust.  Often this is due to unclear expectations.  For example, when the boss has a list of projects for you to do and you work diligently on the one that is not most important to her.  Your belief is you are delivering results, but in her eyes, you are delivering the wrong results.  It is important that your communication be clear upfront so you know what the other person actually wants.

4.  Be Sure you can Deliver

                Always ask yourself if the promise you are making is realistic before you make it.  Getting in a habit of overpromising and underdelivering is a sure way to break trust.  (See more in trust-building behavior #12 — Keep Commitments.)

5.  Activities vs. Results

                Yoda said, “Do or do not; there is not ‘try.’”  Often we point to our activities as an excuse for not delivering results.  But people do not really care how much you do.  They care what you deliver.  Learn to distinguish for yourself the difference between what you do and what you deliver – activities from results.  If you do not deliver on a promise, be upfront and honest about it.  (More on this later in trust-building behavior #10 – Practice Accountability.)  Do not talk about what you did.

With Yourself:

            Deliver results in  your life in the things that you feel are important – whether anyone else considers them important or not.  Set goals and make them happen.  You also build trust with yourself by delivering results, and by being honest when you look at what you have done and what you have manifested and assess your progress honestly on the basis of your results.

                This week look honestly and neutrally only at your results.  Begin to be very curious with yourself – why am I delivering results here and not here?  It is a process to learn and to make improvements, building trust along the way!

                In the 7 Habits of Highly Effective Families, Stephen Covey says, “talk about others as if they were present.”  What this means is “focus on the positive rather than the negative–and if you do talk about those weaknesses, you do it in such a responsible and constructive way that you would not be ashamed to have those people you’re talking about overhear your conversation.”  This is a part of what he calls the “emotional bank account.”  I believe there is similarly a “trust bank account.”  We make deposits when we refuse to talk about others behind their backs.  We make withdrawals when we gossip or complain about someone who is not around.

                In The Four Agreements, Don Miguel Ruiz, calls this being impeccable with one’s word.  He says, ” The word is not just a sound or a written symbol.  The word is a force; it is the power you have to express and communicate, to think, and thereby to create the events in your life….”

                This practice of loyalty to the absent is primarily concerned with how we speak about others when they are not in the room.  This practice builds trust on two fronts.  First, we are all familiar with what occurs when we say something unflattering, or complain, about others behind their backs and that person finds out what we have said.  Not only is it embarrassing, but it is also a breach of trust.  You know that once this happens, that person knows this is your practice and will no longer trust you with sensitive information.  And given many people do not like disclosures to be made of any kind about themselves, this could also be something that costs you this relationship.

                Second, and something many people do not realize, when you talk to someone about others who are not present, the message you convey is that you will also talk about them.  So you also are breaking trust with the person in front of you.  Sometimes the breach of trust is more unconscious.  For example, in this instance the person loses trust in you, but may not know why.

                The idea is to speak about others as though they are present; always speak about others assuming they will find out what you have said.

                What is the alternative to gossip?  There are several.  I will mention a couple and encourage you to think of some more on your own.  One is, refrain from talking about others when they are not around.  If there is energy for you and you realize you have something to perhaps get off your chest, you may consider journaling, or writing it down.

                Another way to deal with such a situation is to talk to the person you are wanting to talk about.  Often we talk about someone because we have something we want to work out but we fear addressing them directly.  There is much to be gained by approaching them directly.  And in particular this builds trust when you show the courage to address them directly.

                Additionally, when another person wants to talk to you about someone not present, the courageous, trust-building behavior, is to refuse to be part of it.  This not only maintains your own integrity and allows you to be impeccable with your own word, but encourages others to do the same.

                Another aspect of this behavior is to give credit where credit is due.  It builds trust in others when they discover you have given them credit.  This is consistent with the practice of speaking about others as though they are in the room.  A good practice is, before saying something about another person, to assume they will find out.  Ask yourself how you will feel when the person discovers what you have said (which they often will!).  Let that instinct guide you.

With yourself:

                Don’t speak ill of yourself.   Many people are self-deprecating when they talk about themselves.  You hear yourself when you speak.  It sends a message internally.  As Don Miguel Ruiz says, the word is a force; it is the power to create.  By the same token do not speak negatively about yourself to yourself.  Try this test – what do you say when you spill the orange juice all over the floor?  What do you think about yourself?  Do you criticize or put yourself down?  This is a huge area of improvement for most people – beginning to speak kindly about themselves to themselves and to others. 

                By the same token, do not allow others to put themselves down in your presence.  I often stop people I have just met who say something to me like, “I am so stupid.”  I tell them, “Please do not talk about yourself like that in front of me.”  This builds trust with them, and leaves a strong impression that I am willing to take that stand for them. 

                And I take this stand for myself as well.  Try it – it feels good!

                It is easy to ignore and avoid acknowledging when we make mistakes or break agreements.   This is particularly true if no one knows what we have done.  And also particularly true if we have made a mistake and are (1) embarrassed; (2) afraid the people involved will be mad; or (3) know the people involved will be mad.  Building and maintaining trust takes a great deal of courage.  Trust-building behavior #4 requires three steps – first, that we have the awareness to see our mistakes; second, that we have the resolve to admit them; and finally that we have the courage to correct them.

Step One – Seeing Trust is Broken

                Step one requires a level of conscious awareness.  It means watching what you do and not ignoring those breaches of trust you create and in fact looking for them.  People will rarely tell you that you have broken their trust.  But there are ways to see when it may have happened.  What are some signs when you may have lost trust with someone?  What will cause you to investigate?  Here’s a challenge:  for one week ask yourself every evening where in my day did I build or break trust?  Begin to use these words and to become aware of where you do build and break trust.  When you believe you may have broken trust with someone, confront it.  Find out if you did.

                And make it easy for others to tell you when you break trust with them, which you inevitably will at some point.  Talk to people who are important to you about trust and ask them questions.

Step Two – Admit our Mistakes

                Once I see that I may have broken trust, I have the courage to confront it.  Here is where you will make an impression with people.  We rarely talk about trust.  We rarely admit a mistake we have made, unless we are confronted with it.  Be the one to speak up, particularly where it may have gone unnoticed.

                Always admit when you break any kind of agreement.  Imagine my son says to me, “Will you take me shopping today?”  I say, “Yes,” and then I forget.  I am lying in bed that night reviewing my day and I realize I did not do this.  It may seem a “small” agreement, but it is hard to say what is small for one person or large for another.  Additionally, I have heard it said, there are no large or small agreements; only large or small consequences.  As such, I will immediately go to my son and say, “You know, I just realized that I broke my agreement to take you shopping today.  I would like to take you tomorrow because it is important to me that I keep my agreements with you.”  Imagine the trust that is built here.  Imagine the difference if I was to let go of it and say nothing.  What might he think?  What is his experience of  his ability to rely on me to do what I say I will?

Step Three – Correct Your Mistakes

                Sometimes simply admitting it will be enough and will go a great distance to rebuilding trust.  But also, always look to see where you might go the extra mile.  The metaphor is this:  when you ding someone’s car, you leave a note.  You pay for the damage caused.  Do this everywhere.  Last Christmas, I was out of town.  I had a client call for our appointment, but I did not realize I was in a dead zone where I did not have reception.  I broke my agreement to be there when I said I would.  As soon as was possible, I went to an area where I had reception.  I called and I admitted that I did not check for cell phone reception ahead of time – my mistake and difficult to admit.  I immediately took responsibility and set another call for the first available time for both of us.  And I went the extra mile and gave her another call for free.  I built trust with her, not just because I gave her a free call, but also because I was vulnerable enough to admit I did not check for reception — admitting the wrong and making it right.

                A note about the language “righting wrongs.”  It is important in taking accountability for our actions, to be able to view them neutrally.  As such, do not view your broken agreements or a breach of trust as being literally “wrong” or bad.  View it as something to learn from.  I use “righting” as in “righting” a boat – it simply means taking something that has gone sideways and putting it upright.

Don’t Hide Out

                What if only I know of my mistake?  Is trust still broken?  Do I need to admit my mistake?  What if I am afraid the mistake I made was so significant others will be angry with me; might even terminate a business relationship with me?  This recently happened for me.  I made a mistake.  Through a computer error on my part, I disclosed information that was confidential.  It was not highly sensitive information; it was not a large volume of information; and it was not widely disseminated.  But it was a mistake that breached my duty of confidentiality.  Further, I believe if the person knew I did this, it likely would break trust with him.  What do I do?  Surely it would be easier to just keep my mouth shut.  He’ll never know and who really cares?  In fact, my internal voice promises that trust will more likely remain intact if I say nothing.  Indeed, trust will be broken only because I tell him – right?

                This is a fascinating trust question.  Is trust broken when the other person does not know about it?  What if I know for certain he never will find out?  Here is a simple rule on trust:  trust begins with oneself.  The very foundation of trust between me and other people is how I trust myself.  Trust is built on my internal knowledge that I will do what is right no matter what.  It is my ability to live in integrity even when there is no one else around.  (“Character is doing the right thing when nobody’s looking….” ~J.C. Watts.)

                How did I decide what to do?  I looked at my ability to trust myself, knowing that I can only build trust with others in proportion to the trust I have with me.  I looked at my values and what do I stand for if I tell the truth versus if I do not.  I realized not telling the truth was about protecting myself and my image, where telling the truth was about creating a strong and honest relationship.  Scary?  Yes.  And I did it.  The feeling of facing something like that and moving through it was empowering.

More Tips to Right Those Wrongs

                In this area, there are a few more action steps you may take.  First, take an inventory of your past and ask yourself are there wrongs that haven’t been righted?  What can you do now?  Make promises and deadlines to yourself, when you will right the wrongs you choose to re-visit.  Notice what happens in those relationships.

                Another way to build trust in this area is to learn to forgive – make it easy for others to right their wrongs with you.  This creates a two-way street, called “Trust.”  Allow others to admit their mistakes to you and to pay restitution if they want to.  Do not hold others hostage to their past mistakes.  This is another way to build trust.

            This week, observe yourself regarding trust-building and breaching behaviors.  Be courageous – talk about it.  Make amends.  See what happens.  Then, let me know & comment on the blog!

            The third trust-building behavior is “create transparency.”  Being transparent is being open and honest about our motives and decisions.  Do not try to hide your reasons for taking any particular action.  Operate from the premise that what you see is what you get.

            When I consider this behavior, I think of Saran Wrap.  If I wrap my food in Saran Wrap, I can clearly see what is inside the container – I know if it is food I want to eat or something I do not like; I can see if it appears fresh or if there is green mold growing on it.  I am able to make an informed decision about whether I want to open it.  But if I cover my food with tinfoil, I cannot make a decision about whether I want to eat it or save it or throw it away until I have moved back this covering.  Without peeling back the cover I cannot trust that what is inside is edible or desirable to me.  The Saran Wrap metaphor applies to what we show each other and whether we allow people to see all of what is here so they can make informed choices.

            What is the level of trust when someone discovers that I am actively concealing certain information or even simply not revealing it?  Active revealing is a way to show people you are transparent.  How do I know if you are being transparent?  One way is when I hear or see you reveal something that is important to you and perhaps embarrassing or that makes you vulnerable.  If you are willing to make yourself vulnerable, I am more likely to believe in your willingness to “let it all hang out” and to tell the truth even where it is uncomfortable.

            An example is where a company opens its financials to its stockholders or its employees.  Not only does the company not conceal its financial position, it actively reveals it.  In this way, the company allows its stockholders and employees to make their own decisions based on all the information rather than controlling stockholder and employee behavior by releasing partial information.  The company is disclosing the truth in a way that can be followed up on and verified.

            How do we do this at home?  By telling our spouse the truth about our feelings, our spending habits, and what we do in our spare time.  You need not forfeit your privacy.  This is really about not hiding information.  A good question to ask yourself is “what am I hiding?”  And a wonderful self-awareness follow-up question is, “why am I hiding this?”  That will allow you to learn more about your fears and what might motivate you to hide certain facts.

            Be open about your agenda.  Don’t hide your weaknesses or the weakness of your business or your position.  In business, when someone comes to you with a need, be sure to tell them if you feel someone else would be a better fit for them.  In my business when someone comes to me looking for a coach, if it is in an area where I am not sure I am the best partner for them, I have a long list of other coaches who specialize in other areas, and also of therapists and counselors.  I build trust with people by referring them out when that is appropriate.  They know if they send someone to me and I do take that person on as a client that I truly feel it is a good fit for us.  They know I do not operate from a place of scarcity and do not take clients just because I believe I need clients.  This goes a long way to building trust.

            Additionally, it is useful to err on the side of full disclosure.  In other words, give all the facts.  If you find yourself holding back from disclosing something ask yourself why.  What are you afraid will happen if you disclose this information?  If you are trying to protect yourself in some way, you may not be building trust with others.

            Each of us has the impulse to tell others what they want to hear. Instead, keep it simple, and be honest. Leaders who are candid and predictable tell everyone the same thing, and they have no need to revise their stories.

Ask Curious Questions

            How you frame questions is paramount. Unless you ask the people with whom you are in relationship crucial questions in a manner that encourages openness and frankness, you will never uncover the truth.  Asking questions that are open-ended encourages others to share.  This will create more transparency and will communicate that you are interested in the truth and are not afraid to hear it.  An open-ended question is one that does not suggest to the listener that there is a particular answer you want to hear or that there is a limited choice of possible answers.  To the contrary is the closed-ended question: 

• Did you have a good day? 
• Do you like this meal? 
• Do you want to do this project or this project? 

Each closed question either allows for a yes or no answer; or it offers a limited number of choices.  If I want to communicate to you my desire to learn the truth, I will ask,

• What did you like about your day? 
• What did you not like? 
• What is your favorite part of this meal? 
• How can I improve it next time? 
• What is the ideal project for you to work on?

            How easy is it for people to challenge assumptions in your organization or family? If you make it acceptable, are willing to listen to opposing points of view and promise to consider the merits of others’ arguments, you pave the way for a culture of transparency.  This is true in any group dynamic, be it your organization, your work or your family.

With Ourselves:

            Some people find it challenging to be honest with themselves because they have a history of rationalizing and justifying and hiding things they don’t want to face.  A way to begin the journey to transparency with yourself is to ask yourself questions and give honest answers.  Here are questions that may help:

•  What am I hiding from myself right now?
• What am I pretending not to see?
• What is the truth?
• What am I afraid of?

            Be open and honest with yourself about your motives and decisions.  Don’t rationalize or justify.  Don’t hide weaknesses or faults; face them and deal with them directly.  Be exactly what you are today–and work on being a little better tomorrow.

My Challenge:

             This week, ask yourself in your different interactions if you are using Saran Wrap or tinfoil.  And take whatever action is necessary to reveal yourself to others and to yourself.  Notice how much this does to build trust.

            The second trust-building behavior is “demonstrate respect.”  How does demonstrating respect build trust?  This is a good place to stop and consider your definition of trust.  Trust is one of the pillars of relationship — with anyone — with clients, co-workers, spouses, bosses, children and self.  If it is a strong pillar, it will strengthen relationships and if it is not, it will weaken them.

            Many people consider trust to be based only on keeping agreements and telling the truth.  But when you examine the 13 behaviors of trust-building, you will see that trust involves a much broader range of activities than whether you (or someone else) is reliable.  Webster’s Dictionary defines “trust,” as “total confidence in the integrity, ability, and good character of another.”  “Integrity” is defined as “firm adherence to a code or standard of values” and “the quality or condition of being undivided…”  As such, trust really involves the whole of a person; not just their ability to keep their word, but also whether they live a set of values.  It also involves the idea of character.  And this is where respect comes in.

            Consider, for example, whether someone who is disrespectful and unkind toward you is a person you are likely to stay in relationship with, even if they do keep all their agreements.  This applies to relationships both business and personal.  Trust is multi-faceted.  If you believe your clients will do business with you simply because you show up on time and do what you say, even though you speak rudely to them or treat the waiter badly at lunch, you may be surprised.

            When we show respect to others we build trust with them and with those around us who experience us as respectful.  Respect can be defined in many ways.  For instance, consider your tone of voice.  Do people trust you more or less if you yell at them than if you speak in a kind and gentle manner?

            Notice how you listen when others speak – do you give them your full attention?  Imagine how they feel toward you if you are attentive and curious about what they are saying.  Respectful listening will not only build trust with others, but will cause them to listen to you as well.  And if you do not listen or are not respectful when they speak, they will soon not want to talk to you or to listen to what you have to say.  This is an aspect of trust that has to do with trusting others with your feelings and your thoughts, and trusting that they will listen to you sincerely and fully.  It is again, a type of trust that most people do not think about.  This aspect of trust is not about whether you keep your agreements.  It is an aspect of trust that is about whether people want to interact with you, spend time with you, open up to you, hire you, and refer clients to you.  Kindness and respect have the effect of drawing people to you, making them want to be around you, be in relationship with you.  This is trust.  Think about how this behavior will transform your business; your family.

            Take some time and consider what respect means to you.  How do you show your respect to others?  Take a moment and look honestly at yourself.  Observe your behaviors.  Even if you believe you typically act with respect, raise the bar on yourself and be more respectful.

            Suggestions about respect: 

• If you are in business and someone sends you a referral, send them a thank you note. 
• Acknowledge people for what you see them do.  Do this at work and at home. 
• Treat people kindly even when they can do nothing for you. 
• Learn people’s names, including the waiter and the janitor.
• Send notes of concern. 
• Practice random actions of kindness. 

It all builds trust.

            With ourselves: 

            Treat yourself with respect.  This will build trust with you.  Whether you can trust others is directly related to your ability to trust yourself.  And by the same token, people are more likely to trust you if you trust yourself.  When you trust yourself, you generate a level of trustworthiness that others people experience.

            Don’t beat yourself up over what you perceive as weaknesses or mistakes.  Treat yourself with as much love as you would anyone else.  Don’t expect more of yourself than you would expect of any other human being in your situation.  Give yourself a break.  Take care of yourself.  All of these are activities that will build trust with yourself – that will allow you to know that you can count on you.  It may sound trite or clichéd, but the truth is that trust begins with you.

            What else can you think of that will demonstrate trust?

                In this series of articles I will discuss behaviors that build or break trust, adapted from Stephen Covey’s, The Speed of Trust.  If you want more education on the issue of trust, I highly recommend this book.  If you want an in-depth, interactive learning experience on trust and other aspects of strong relationships, contact me to learn more about my coaching series — Manifesting Extraordinary Results Through Communication, Trust and Commitment.  As a Certified Relationship Coach, I work extensively with the concept of trust and how it is built or broken in all relationships, and here I have put the most powerful behaviors for you to use.

                In this series, I will talk about the ways in which we build or break trust.  I believe that trust is a conscious choice.  (This will be the subject of a later article considering the concept of “authentic trust,” which you can learn more about in Solomon and Flores’ book Building Trust.)  And of course we choose to trust based on many factors.  In large part these factors are the behaviors that build trust with us (teach us if, where, and to what extent we can trust others) or break trust (teach us that it is not safe to trust a certain person in a certain situation).

                This first behavior suggests that in all relationships we learn to tell it like it is.  Of course, we know that we break trust when we lie to people.  But the “talk straight” behavior shows that trust is also broken when we speak in a way that is misleading or when we “hide the ball.” 

                Have you ever talked to someone and got the feeling he or she was leaving something out?  What effect does that have on you?  On your ability and likelihood to trust this person?

                What causes you to leave information out?  What causes you to “spin” the facts in a way that will produce a certain result?  Often it is our desire to control the situation that has us choose to relate the facts in a misleading way, even though technically honest.

                The most striking example of this I can recall was in the political arena when Bill Clinton said, “I did not have sexual relations with that woman.”  He argued later that he had told the truth under his definition of “sexual relations.”  But he knew what was being asked.  He responded in a way that was misleading — and interestingly, most people could tell he was saying something not entirely true.  And many people did not trust him after that.  Indeed, this is why we don’t trust politicians as a rule — we experience them as telling half-truths, hiding something.  In building trust, I am encouraging you to look now and ask yourself where you are leaving out information, even with the most pure intention.

                Where are you not entirely honest?  If your spouse asks “have you been drinking?” and you say “a little,” is that honest?  What would happen if you told the truth more specifically and fully?  What do you perceive as the danger?  What is the potential benefit?

                If there is a likelihood you might be misunderstood, you are not talking straight.  If you are only focused on what the technical truth is, you are not talking straight.  If you leave the wrong impression, you are not talking straight.

                Talk straight includes being willing to offer honest feedback rather than engaging in flattery and false praise.  This builds trust.  People may not always like what you have to say, but they will trust you.  It can take courage to talk straight.  As you begin, you may want to ask for feedback from people you trust — ask them how they experience you in this area and ask for specific examples.  This will assist you in seeing the behaviors that constitute a lack of straight talk and where you can make the most impactful changes.  It will also allow you a glimpse into how others are seeing you.

                With ourselves:  As with any behavior that builds or breaks trust with others, this behavior has the same effect on trust with ourselves.  How to talk straight to oneself?  Tell the whole, complete and unvarnished truth to yourself.  Don’t justify or rationalize.  Look at what you are doing and your motivations and be fully honest with yourself.  Don’t tell stories just to make yourself feel better.  At the same time, do not tell yourself lies about your behavior, such as that you are worthless or a failure.  Tell the truth, with statements such as, “I will see what is not working and I will change it moving forward.”

            Until the next installment, practice your straight talk!

1.  Talk Straight

Tell it like it is.  Don’t beat around the bush. 

• Leaving the right impression means communicating so clearly that you cannot be misunderstood.
• Use simple language.

2.  Demonstrate Respect

• Behave in ways that show fundamental respect for people – honor the intrinsic worth of others.
• Behave in ways that demonstrate caring and concern.

3.  Create Transparency

• Be open and honest about your motives and decisions.
• Tell the truth in a way people can verify.
• Don’t hide weaknesses or faults; face them and deal with them directly.
• Err on the side of disclosure.

4.  Right Wrongs

• Admit your mistakes and make restitution when you can
• Action steps:  look in your past – are there wrongs that haven’t been righted?  What can you do now?
• Forgive – make it easy for others to right their wrongs.
• Apologize quickly.

5.  Show Loyalty

• Speak about others as if they were present.
• Give credit.
• Don’t disclose others’ private information.

6.  Deliver Results

• Set goals and make them happen.
• Distinguish delivering activities from delivering results.
• Ask yourself ahead of time if the commitment is realistic – underpromise and overdeliver.

7.  Get Better

• Set aside time in your life to constantly improve your capabilities.
• If you aren’t making mistakes, you are not pushing yourself enough to truly improve.
• Tony Robbins calls it CANI – Constant and Never-Ending Improvement.

8.  Confront Reality

• Don’t live in denial or keep your head in the sand.
• Face what needs to be faced and move on with courage and hope.
• Engage in and engender open communication with others.  Say what you are seeing.

9.  Clarify Expectations

• Be clear about what others expect of you.
• Don’t agree unless you are clear you can meet those expectations.

10.  Practice Accountability

• Hold yourself accountable.
• When you don’t keep your agreements, own up to it, in communication with the person you made the agreement to, without telling stories or making excuse or blaming others.
• See what you can learn from the experience.
• Tell them what you will do differently next time.

11.  Listen First

• Seek first to understand and then to be understood.
• If a person is communicating with high emotion, they don’t feel understood.
• A person will not ask for advice until they feel understood.

12.  Keep Commitments

• Make commitments carefully.
• Write them down.
• Keep them.
• Own up when you do not.

13.  Extend Trust

• People will act how you expect them to act.  When you trust them, they are far more likely to be trustworthy.
• When you trust others, they are more likely to trust you.
• Have a propensity to trust.
• Don’t withhold trust because there is risk involved.

Adapted from Stephen Covey’s Speed of Trust.

Think about a goal, or something that you are working on right now in your life.  Now consider what “relationships” are involved.  Are you looking for a promotion?  This might involve the relationship with your boss or your clients.  Do you want to buy a new car?  This might involve the relationship with your spouse.   Want to lose weight?  This may involve a personal trainer and of course will involve the relationship you have with yourself.

This week start looking at relationships and how their effectiveness supports (or does not support) your goals.

What can you do to improve your relationships?  There are 3 main areas – effective communication, learning to build trust, and developing strong commitment.  I will post here on each point.  Which would you like to hear first?